I know how it is. When you don’t get the attention you want, from the one you want, so you supplement. It’s good. Well, half as good. You enjoy every minute of it. Pure bliss, and yet you still fall asleep next to her feeling half empty, or half full, depending on what kind of day you’re having. It takes a lifetime of practice to trick yourself. To trick yourself into saying you’re ok. When you’re actually not. Until you believe that you, you actually believe it. I know that it hurts. In places that shortens breathes, causes mouths to cotton, and the pits of stomachs to feel hollow and deep causing every attempt of swallowing feel like a journey into a well.
I know what it is like. To build a relationship, and watch it come loose at the seams. Nothing can prepare you for the person you once called partner, when they become your opponent. The person you thought you’d build everything with, suddenly builds around you. Creating barriers between you, love, and them. You look up one day and never noticed how tall the walls have gotten, or how long they have been in construction. They look too high to climb over, so you watch and wait. Till it is safe.
But, I also know, how it feels to forget. To get lost in someone’s eyes, to feel the wooliness of a beard against the pads of finger tips, to trace your fingers nails down the arms of a soul. In those moments nothing really matters. Too busy building lifetime memories. You forget about the ones that have already occurred. These new memories have all the potential to crumble at the base, or create a life long whirlwind of passion, devotion, and intoxication. It’s all about risks.
And, I know about risks. The risk of continuing to build on a rocky foundation. Hoping it will fix itself, or the risk of getting lost in a whirlwind hoping he’ll catch you when you fall.