As I get older I have become very aware of what I am looking for in a significant other. Unfortunately, a lot of it has been through trial and ERROR. I won’t apologize for my journey because I wouldn’t be who I am with out all of those losers I gave my time to. Ok, just kidding-but not really! I think the dating process is all hit or miss. Where lots of women go wrong is they stay in situations too long.
I wrote a blog awhile back called “The Gift of Goodbye“. It came from one of TD Jakes sermons. Goodbye is not always a bad thing. Actually, it can be quite liberating. Women start seeing the “good in goodbye” once they realize what they are looking for in a male. When you know exactly what you are looking for you are less likely to waste time on a guy that doesn’t match that criteria. Now, now, I’m not saying to have a big ol’ list of “no nos”. I think you should develop a mental list of things that you would like in a significant other. This list should include “deal breakers” but it should also include “turn ons”. You cannot make a list of “deal breakers” because you will turn your list into something negative and we want to keep the list positive. Also, no one is perfect so you should give the opposite sex some leeway. If they match 3 out of the 4 things that you are looking for, great! Relationships are all about compromise and balance. Personally, I don’t want a perfect mate because that would scare me.
Anyway, I stayed up late last night thinking of three things that can be used as starting points for developing your list. They are as follows:
Passion: Find someone that is passionate about something. It doesn’t have to be the same things that you are passionate about, but it has to be something they have invested their time and energy in. This could simply be a hobby or a career. The reason why passion is so important is because you want your mate to have another focus besides you. My passion is writing. I spend a lot of my time blogging, jotting down notes, thinking of new blog ideas, etc. This is my way of investing in the things that I want in life. It is a way for me to have an outlet other than my boyfriend. Remember, balance is key.
When you are dating someone find out what they are passionate about, and BE ACCEPTING of it. The person you are dating could be a part time rapper (I said part time because a full time career is a must). You should support any passions a person has because although it may never create revenue it is still something that they cherish. We should all be encouraged soar.
Common Ground: Although you may not have the same passion as the opposite sex it is necessary to find some common ground. I mean meaningful common ground. Not like “we both like macaroni and cheese”. My ex-boyfriend and I do not have any passions in common, but what we do have is common ground. We are from the same town and we went to the same high school. Our connection feels safe and it is comfortable. You don’t have to be from the same town to find common ground. You can be of the same culture, or be of the same political party. You can both desire travel or a big family. Common ground is easy to find, and once it is established you are more likely to feel connected to that person. You’ll also have more to talk about.
Security: The third and biggest of them all is security. Most women think financial when thinking about security in relationships. Although financial status and potential for growth is important when things get serious I don’t think it should be something you should be concerned about when dating someone. Get out his pockets girl! Get your own!
When I say security I mean trust. When your intuition tells you something is not right about a situation then security has not been established. Even if you are not in a relationship (just dating) security should still be established. This is done so through honesty. Complete honesty – even if it is something that you do not want to hear at the time. It ensures that everyone is clear on what is going on. You can work on things once they are all on the table, but if they aren’t then how can you work on them? Complete trust is something that will come later on down the line, but security can be established fairly quickly. My friend dated a guy that introduced her to everyone he knew. Any time they went out to a party, in the street, to his home, or to his workplace he would always make an effort to make sure everyone in the room knew who she was. He established security with her early on in the game. He made her feel important by letting others know their friendship/relationship was meaningful enough to know who she was. It also showed that he had nothing to hide. Security also includes returning phone calls, text messages in a timely matter, and being thoughtful of your needs as a person.
I think these three things should all be in place before you consider moving forward with someone. If the person isn’t passionate about something other than you then you are going to have a lot of issues. That person may take up too much of your time, make you unfocused, or worse-become possessive. If you can’t find meaningful common ground with someone I am not sure how your relationship will last. If you have nothing to refer to or absolutely no common interest or knowledge you will run out of things to talk about and it will eventually phase out. Lastly, if you don’t feel comfortable dating someone, or you feel like they don’t provide you with the security you need to date them then don’t waste your time.
As I told you before we spend too much time in situations that we know are not going to last. I personally hate wasted time. I feel like the only time that I should be wasting is while I’m sleeping. I could be using my time to work on myself. I don’t want you to get discouraged about dating, but I do want to remind you to always compromise but never settle. Well, that sounds slightly oxymoronic, you say? Well this is what it means – always be willing to give someone a chance and always be willing to listen to a person’s needs before shutting them down, but never settle for something that just isn’t going to work. The end goal is always happiness. Know your worth. Establish it with yourself first and you’ll never have to establish it with anyone else. I hope this helps get your list started.
Also, I love nightmare dating stories. Please comment with a nightmare dating story (if you have one).