I go back and forth saying we did each other a favor, but I’m reminded of how much I miss the sounds of his laughter, and how I don’t want to live this life without his smile. All the poems and chapters I once read to him, sometimes just after tearful conversations, I just can’t bring myself to reread again. All freckles, thin skin, scarlet hair-What will our lives be like after all of this? All I can fathom is how I won’t be a part of it. I won’t be there to see white hair conquer his face, and I won’t ever see sweat beads form on the top of his nose again. Or the squints that he makes in Summer light-the ones that create those lines around his dark eyes. Now I squint trying to keep those memories from fading.
This is my friend. We opened up our hearts to each other and ripped them a part, but we are not bad people. We just didn’t know what to do when life got complicated. When it robbed our love and displaced our attention and sensitivity. “Can I have half a second to feel bad?” All ten of my fingers continuously remind me that we didn’t make it to ten years. Every part of who I am, who I was, I’m constantly made aware – Unforgettable memories, unchangeable reminders, unthinkable reflections – all of him.
How do we get passed the past? I just don’t want to lose him. Even after countless tear filled conversations, I hear the words “this isn’t working” echoing through my mind, I’d fight with him forever just to hear the sound of his voice. Does this make me delusional? I didn’t plan this. I’m not equipped to handle his absence. I thought he’d be here forever. Does this make me foolish? That I never thought he’d leave. I’d bet it all on account of him staying. I’d lose everything on the chance of one day building a family together.
And when I hear the mumbles from people that have also lived to share the story, they all pose the same question, and I respond, “over and over again”.