Why I’m still up is beyond me. I have learned when I can’t sleep I need to give in and write. I just got back from a week long trip to my hometown, Newport News, VA. It feels strange coming back to Baltimore, MD after spending so much time with your closest friends and family. Although I haven’t lived there in years (7) I always feel a strange sense of homesickness when I get back to Baltimore. When I was in high school I read a book titled, The Color of Water. There was a passage in the book that has stayed with me.
“Sometimes without conscious realization, our thoughts, our faith, our interests are entered into the past. We talk about other times, other places, other persons, and lose our living holding on to the present. Sometimes we think if we could just go back in time we would be happy. But anyone who attempts to reenter the past is sure to be disappointed. Anyone who has ever revisited the place of his birth after years of absence is shocked by the differences between the way the place actually is, and the way he has remembered it. He may walk along old familiar streets and roads, but he is a stranger in a strange land. He has thought of this place as home, but he finds he is no longer here even in spirit. He has gone onto a new and different life, and in thinking longingly of the past, he has been giving thought and interest to something that no longer really exists.”
In the first year or two of living in Baltimore, MD I just knew I’d be moving back. I didn’t start losing interest in “home” until about four years of living here. Like the passage above- I always felt like I didn’t belong back there. Since the city has undergone so many changes it stopped feeling like home. I felt like I settled into where I wanted to be. I finally felt like I had something of my own. Or something to take home and be proud of.
It’s so funny how life takes you full circle. Now I’ve been seriously considering moving closer to Newport News. I’ve had a lot of time to think of the pros and cons. So much of my life has changed since I felt like I couldn’t go back. Things are different here. I spent a week back home to kind of reflect on if moving back is truly something I’d want. I would hate to quit my new job, leave the few friends I have made here, and look back thinking, “uh oh, big mistake”. I loved being home this past week. I can’t lie. But no rash decisions will be made. I have time to really think it through.
Homesickness is a feeling I’m very familiar with. I’m the girl that gets homesick from destinations I’ve only been to once. Yep, that’s me! I’m starting to see it has more to do with the people and less to do with the place. I need support from my friends and family. Anyone that knows me, knows I hate being alone. That’s why I feel like I’ve had this sudden need to be in VA.
I’m sad to say – my heart isn’t here anymore. I’m ready for the next chapter. We will see where my spirit will lead me in the next few months.
Home is where the heart is,