Just recently I walked into a business where a friend of my mother works. She asked, “Laura, when are you going to have kids?” In which I replied something like, “I don’t know”, or “I’m not ready”. In response she said, “The train is going to leave you”. We laughed. It was funny, but it was one of those odd laughs. Like the “I’m playing-but I’m serious” jokes. It sat with me for awhile, so here we are.
It seems like wedding bells are resounding every where. I guess it has always been this way around the world but this season has hit close to home. I know four couples that are getting or have gotten married this summer. They all have been together for quite some time, and I am genuinely excited for all of the couples. BUT I must admit- it can be difficult looking at all the pictures and videos of the weddings to come. It is even more depressing to be asked, “Where’s your man?, or “When are you gonna have some babies?”. It can make even the sanest person question themselves. Why am I always the bridesmaid? Why do I seem so distant from having a family of my own? Where did I go wrong? Is the train really leaving?
I didn’t really think about getting married when my ex and I lived together. It’s not that I didn’t think he was the one I just didn’t want to rush into anything. I thought we were wayy too young. I thought we weren’t prepared for marriage, and frankly we just couldn’t afford it. I didn’t really start thinking about this topic until I sat at a wedding reception, and I was the only single woman at the table. It’s almost like the “YOU NEED TO GET MARRIED”, “YOU NEED TO HAVE KIDS” Gods surrounded me. It is difficult not to make the comparison between your life and the girl sitting next to you at the reception. It’s sad but it is only natural to feel this way. I decided to ask a few of my friends their opinion on this topic , and I got an overwhelming response filled with patience, self control, and empowerment. Although these feelings of “what’s wrong with me?” may naturally arise during times like this, I know better.
I know marriage is the happy ending to dating.
I know I don’t want to be any one’s “baby mama”.
AND I know that my time will come.
I read online some where, “Marriage isn’t everything. It is just the happy ending to dating.” I believe in only half of this quote. Although our generation has shifted so much towards “anti-marriage”, I still believe that marriage is everything. I’d never allow myself to be stuck in a relationship with a man that refuses to marry me. Marriage is the happy ending to dating. Honey, you have to actually like or date someone to marry them. Here is a start, I have personally decided to eliminate any randoms out of my life. Randoms are guys you give your time and/or body to that you know you wouldn’t marry. Getting rid of randoms is so difficult. I am not even gonna lie. Especially during the times you feel lonely. My best suggestion would be to get a journal. Write down your feelings or letters to your future husband. Join a gym. Get a hobby. Spend time with God. Why waste your time on someone you know you are not going to marry? If marriage is the happy ending, then we should work towards that. I also believe that you should think about your future husband. Would he want his wife to be the girl that was a roller? Now, I understand if you thought something was love and it didn’t end up working out. That’s different. Not a random. Now, if you continue to sleep with this person after knowing that it isn’t going to work then yeah, ranDUMB. I don’t believe anything is wrong with me. I just don’t think I am ready for marriage right now. I’m not dating anyone, and I have a lot of work to do before I allow someone to enter into a covenant with me. I’ve entered a no randoms phase, and I’m just waiting on God. Try it.
Baby mama, baby mama…
I go back and forth with the idea of having children. I believe my ex wanted children, but I have so many reservations about bringing life into this world so I’m extra cautious. I had a rough time growing up, so it is difficult for me to imagine myself as a mother. I fear I could never give them enough protection. I trusted my ex wholeheartedly in this area so I would have days where I felt like I could do it and days I felt like, no way! One thing is for sure though- I’ve always told myself I can only play the role of mother if I am worthy to play the role of wife. So if he couldn’t marry me then we couldn’t have children. I still feel this way. I don’t feel like the train is leaving me because I don’t even feel like the conductor has boarded. I just refuse to be someone’s baby mama. I need security. I know a lot of people say, “Well marriage doesn’t mean he’ll stay. He can divorce you.” Well, yes, you are right. I just don’t want to be apart of the statistic. I refuse to raise my children in a single parent home. If we separate afterward then at least I can say I tried my best to give my children everything I didn’t have.
Levels to this…
Sometimes our fears and doubts cloud our judgement to make us believe that we will be single forever or we will never be the bride. There is nothing wrong with you. I don’t think you heard me, I mean NOTHING. Patience is everything. Everyone you come across is not going to be the one. As I have said in previous blogs, guard your heart. It is critical. You need patience to do this. I know that I am not ready for a marriage. No matter how I slice it. I don’t care if Sasha Obama gets married before I do. I will wait for the right person to come along and sweep me off my feet. And yes, I mean sweep me off my feet! I don’t mean the guy that calls me at 10PM to invite me over. I don’t mean the guy the I’ve dated for more than 3 months, and I still don’t know what his sister looks like. I mean the guy that will hold my door before I walk through it. The guy that will introduce me anytime we enter a room. The guy that won’t let me drink too much, and even if I do I could count on him to take care of me. THAT is marriage material. Of course that’s not my whole list, but you get where I am going. There are levels to this! Marriage isn’t play-play and divorce is messy-messy. I don’t want to rush into something too soon just to end up in a messy divorce or custody battle. I will save myself some grief and try to do things when I feel they are right. Waiting is difficult but it is so worth it.
Ok, please note I am not saying that women should only aspire to marriage. After asking a few friends about this topic I got so many positive responses regarding personal goals each woman wanted to achieve before getting married or having a family. Your personal and career goals should always be put first. You want to have yourself some what established before you bring someone else to the table. You should also want the other person to be some what established. BUT in any intimate relationship marriage should be the goal. You shouldn’t want to stay in a relationship with someone that isn’t going to marry you. You should aspire to be married. Marriage shouldn’t be your only goal in life, but it should be one of them. Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing (Proverbs 18:22).
The world is yours. Take your time.