On June 9, 2017, I decided to officially end my two year long relationship with my boyfriend whom I loved and admired. I am not here to give a “tell all” or to give specific details about the relationship. I feel like lessons can be taught and learned without hurting the people you love. I am not here to shame anyone, or to place blame. I will always protect the identity and privacy of the people who have allowed me to enter into their lives and share their time with me. I am not here to give you a list of reasons why it ended, but a list of lessons I learned in the process.
I am simply here to talk about letting go. To discuss freedom.
To promote happiness and self love.
Never stop falling in love. When I first met him I was coming out of an eight year on again and off again, but mostly “off again” relationship. My high school sweetheart of all those years decided to move to Tennessee, and reunite with his son and his son’s mother. Oh God, didn’t I make that sound so civil?? Needless to say, I was left heartbroken. Actually, heartbroken was an understatement, but that feeling of hopelessness and grief was a constant theme throughout the relationship. I was kind of used to it at that point. I have always said that he was unpredictable, and yet so predictable. We were young. I was in love. He wasn’t ready. When he was ready, I wasn’t in love. I lived with so much bitterness in my heart from that relationship. It was not easy to talk to other guys or even get to know anyone because it just didn’t feel the same. Of course I went through many flings and things, but I remained un-phased until I met my now ex-boyfriend. When I met him I wasn’t really open to love, but I was open to conversation. I didn’t really think anyone could pull me from the attachment I had from my high school sweetheart. Even still, in 2015 we would converse regularly.
Something about my ex was different though. We would text all day long, and he would send me funny memes and gifs. We would talk about life, relationships, having drinks, and school. We had so much in common. Click To Tweet Our conversations continued and he would visit me every weekend. Slowly but surely I found myself sending a very firm, yet loving message to my high school sweetheart telling him we would have to end our friendship. I told him that I wanted my relationship with my now ex-boyfriend to bloom into something more than just flirty conversation and possibility. I wanted to build a meaningful relationship with him. My high school sweetheart, with all the love and respect he had for me agreed that I should do what I thought was best for me, and gave his blessing and well wishes. So just when I thought that love was a word that only my high school sweetheart would hear from me. I fell in love again. From that day on my heart was set ablaze. It was a love that was altogether new. He had a sternness about him. His ambition was something I had never experienced before. He held himself accountable and he was self-driven. I loved that he had his own money, his own car, own place, loved his mother, and wore nice clothes. I will never forget the day that he told me he loved me. It was everything I needed to hear to heal from my past.
Don’t ever let anyone make you feel ashamed of your past. Ironically, as the relationship progressed my past became the topic of every conversation. The conversations weren’t loaded with interest or satire. These dreadful conversations clouded our relationship and his judgments. The less I would share the more guarded he became. The more I would share the angrier he became. He would never admit to either of these things. I felt kind of stuck. It felt like I had to be sorry for something that I wasn’t sorry about. I have a past like we all do. I was in a tumultuous relationship for 8 years before him. I had many ups and more downs. I’ve always been private, but I’ve never felt ashamed in the way he made me feel. I have never given anyone a total number and excel spreadsheet of names and places I have been, who I’ve loved, or who has shared my company. I’m not very much of a pillow talker. To be quite honest, I didn’t think it was anyone’s business to know. And to be more honest, nobody has ever asked me to divulge so much personal, vulnerable information. I wouldn’t describe myself as guarded, but I just refuse to allow anyone to try to use information that belongs to me, that I have given to them, in order to emotionally and mentally break me down. I couldn’t wrap my head around that idea. A lot of things happened that I could never explain. Was it insecurity? I tried my best to make him feel loved. Did he feel like I betrayed him with the more information he discovered? I guess once he discovered who I truly was he felt like I lied, wasn’t worthy, or I misrepresented myself. I’ll never know. I can only share how it made me feel.
I love unselfishly. I cherish my past and love everyone who has helped mold me. Whether it was the person who read all my writings and told me I was powerful, or the person who made me feel like the sexiest woman alive, or the person who loved me not despite of me but because of me. As a woman I think it is so important to be unapologetic about your past. You do not have to be rude, but you do not need permission from anyone to be excused. The past is what has brought you here today. As I have always said if I were to tell my life story there are people I wouldn’t be able to leave out. Despite how I feel about them now, I cannot erase their part in my life. I spent two years embarrassed about the past. I found myself lying about things that were so irrelevant to anything that currently mattered. So much of my energy, tears, and emotions was wasted on explaining myself and making up excuses for my actions when there was nothing wrong with who I was.
Stay in love or let it go. Once we crossed that threshold from “flirty friends” into a relationship things gradually changed. It was almost like the more he knew about me the less he liked me or enjoyed my company. He would never admit to it. I gave him an “out” at several points in the relationship, but he insisted that he was in love and wanted to be with me. His actions said otherwise. The relationship evolved into something that was loveless. We seemed more like friends than boyfriend and girlfriend. I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship as well. I lied about things I shouldn’t have lied about and towards the end I stopped trying to make it work altogether. Once you sense yourself becoming hurtful, or disregarding someone’s feelings it is best to just end it before it gets worse. I learned this tough lesson because I stayed in the relationship much longer than what I should have. I spent the last six months of the relationship basically treating him like he treated me. It wasn’t all intentional, but it still didn’t feel good. After several “break ups” I finally decided I couldn’t continue living this way. I had to officially let it go. I had to admit several difficult things to myself. This was the only man that has ever gotten me to stop talking to my high school sweetheart. I had so much hope for us, and continued to hope for a future with him up until about six months ago. This was not an easy decision to make.
There were hard truths I had to face. 1) I was no longer in love. 2) I no longer enjoyed his conversations/company. 3) I was holding on to something that I knew wasn't going to work out. Click To Tweet I was beyond stressed out about it. I would wake up paralyzed from all the stiffness and stress I was holding in my neck. Each day there were more and more signs that I couldn’t hold on to this relationship any longer. I loved him and cared about him so much, and because of that I couldn’t continue to waste his time or lead him on any longer. It doesn’t really benefit a person to stay in a relationship that just doesn’t feel right. Even if the other person insists that it’s working, but you do not feel the same. If you can’t give 100% to a relationship then why are you in it? What value is it adding to your life, well-being, or happiness? That was the hard question I had to ask myself.
Hard decisions are hard to make. Don’t get me wrong. This was probably one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make in my entire life. It is not easy to move on, break a heart, heal your own, or make things final. Even if you are the person that decides to let go it is not easy to walk away. It is important to note that it is hard. It is heartbreaking. You will hurt before you heal. But one thing I can promise you is that you will heal. Click To Tweet Once you are able to take a look in the mirror, and choose love, you will be fine. I walked away from the relationship not because I hated him, but because I cared enough to recognize that it was not a good relationship for either of us. I cared enough to see that I was only giving him about 75% of me and he deserved 100% like everyone does. I don’t want you to finish reading this blog saying, “Ha! easier said than done” because I’m here to tell you it is easier said than done. By no means do I want to minimize that. Hard decisions are hard to make, but you should always put your happiness first. The rest will fall into place.
With love and many thanks,
p.s. Please feel free to write to me if you have any questions, or need advice. I might not have the answers, but I will always listen.